Addiction 
by Imajiru
imajiru@mindspring.com
imajiru@unicorn-x.net
October 13, 1995

//I'm going to stop.  Tomorrow, I'm going to stop.// 

He sat on the couch, half-watching TV, mostly just 
contemplating the fireplace and the bottle sitting on the 
table.  //I can quit; it won't be so hard.  Tomorrow, I'll 
just stop drinking.  No problem.// 

His hand lifted the glass to his lips, and he took another 
swallow; and from deep within the recesses of his mind, 
another voice spoke up.  Funny, how it seemed to speak in 
Natalie's voice.  //Oh, yeah, right,// it said. //That's 
what you always say, isn't it?  You'll stop drinking -- 
after this glass, after this bottle, after this night, this 
week, this century... but never now, Nick.  Why is it never 
*now*, Nick?// 

He contemplated the deep red fluid in the glass, felt it 
beckon to him with its seductive gleam.  //I'm hungry,// he 
thought.  //I'm tired and I'm depressed and the world is 
closing in on me and I have nowhere to go to escape, and 
I'm *hungry*.  Tonight...  I need it tonight.  But 
tomorrow...// 

//Tomorrow never comes,// sneered Natalie's voice in his 
head, then fell silent. 

The walls around him seemed an oppressive prison: daylight 
hovered just outside, waiting to fry him alive should he 
dare to face its glare.  Nowhere to go, and no one to go 
to.  Janette gone, and Nat -- not an option.  Too much 
chance that he would damage her in some way, 
psychologically if not physically, and he couldn't bring 
himself to do that; wouldn't allow himself to harm her, no 
matter how great his need. 

And oh, what he wouldn't have given to be with Nat, just to 
sit beside her and watch a movie, or watch her dissect a 
corpse; anything, if only he weren't so alone... 

But if he were to call her, to ask her to come over, he 
would have to put away the blood so that she wouldn't see 
him drink.  And he couldn't go without, not tonight.  
Tomorrow, maybe.  Not tonight. 

//Fool,// jeered the Natalie-voice in his head.  //Nat's 
what you need, not the blood.  Her company brings you 
closer to the human world, makes you feel more alive, you 
*know* that.  But you'd prefer to sit here alone in your 
tomb, just you and your bottle.  Nice going, Nick.// 

//What's wrong with a little blood?// rose a panicky, 
defensive cry from elsewhere in his psyche.  //It's not as 
if it's human.  It's cow, damn it, cold stale cow's blood, 
so unappetizing that I can hardly choke it down sometimes!  
I'm doing everything I can to live a human life, to make a 
difference, to do the right thing; why can't I have this 
one indulgence?  What's so wrong with that?// 

And as in real life, the Natalie-voice was ready with a 
reply.  //Thought you wanted to *be* human,// it said, 
//instead of just pretending.  Thought you wanted a real 
human life.  Obviously, you don't.// 

//But I need the blood to survive!// howled the voice 
inside him. 

//Are you sure?// said the Natalie-voice. 

To that, there was no answer. 

//You've never really tried,// it continued.  //Every time, 
you've stopped just short of the final commitment.  Every 
time, you've given up.  When are you going to follow 
through, Nick?  When are you going to really try?// 

//I have been trying!// he protested, but the Natalie-voice 
wasn't having any of it. 

//That's what you keep saying,// it said.  //So why aren't 
you getting anywhere?// 

Again, Nick had no answer. 

//It's so hard,// he said finally, to the Natalie-voice-of-
reason.  //The hunger never stops.  It's with me every 
minute, every second of every day; it never goes away, 
never never never.  How long can I hold out against that 
kind of urge?  And what happens when I can't?  What happens 
when I can't hold out any longer, and I snap...?  People 
could die, you know.  A lot of people could die.// 

//You could control yourself,// insisted the Natalie-voice, 
//if you really wanted to.// 

//That's what you think!  You don't know what it's like, 
you don't *know*...//  Pleading, crying for understanding, 
for acceptance.  //You don't know what it feels like to be 
me.  You just don't know.// 

//I know what you want, though,// the Natalie-voice said 
calmly.  //Or... what you said you wanted.  Did you change 
your mind, Nick?  Did you give up on your dream?// 

//No,// Nick thought reflexively, though in truth he just 
wasn't sure anymore.  Sometimes it seemed as if it was just 
too much trouble to believe in the dream. 

But without the dream... what else did he have? 

//Look,// he said, //you're right.  I should stop drinking 
blood.  And I will, I promise.  Tomorrow morning, I'll wake 
up and I'll have one of Nat's protein drinks instead.  I'll 
even start up the sunbed-routine again.  I will.// 

And he poured himself another drink, because the internal 
monologue had left him feeling thirsty and depressed.  //I 
will,// he promised himself. 

//Tomorrow.// 

And he drained the glass in a draught. 

---end---